Relief

Have you ever felt trapped or like something was weighing down on you? Like something was missing or you just couldn't obtain that one thing that you felt would really make you happy? I have. I know that feeling all too well and have been fighting with it for at least the last two years. I've felt like I was lost, like I lost myself and I really didn't know what the cause of that was. I thought maybe I had a problem with depression but was always too proud to see anyone for help. For people who maybe haven't known me for very long they probably didn't see it in me because well they only saw "that" chad, but for the people who have known me for years or a lifetime the change was evident. I was not happy and I couldn't find anything to fill that void. It didn't matter what you did, what you said, nothing could fill the void. It was always worse around the holidays or birthdays, anytime when you're supposed to be happy or excited. I hated those times, I hated them because I knew I was supposed to be happy. I knew people expected me to be happy and I didn't want to let them down. But I couldn't be happy and that stressed me out more and made me more depressed because I knew I was letting them down. Anytime I was asked, "what do you want for Christmas" or "what do you want for your birthday" it just made me angry inside. I don't want anything. You know why? Because nothing will make me happy. Why spend money on me when it doesn't matter anyway. Those were the thoughts that ran through my mind. I've hurt a lot of peoples feelings because of my attitude at those times of the year. It wasn't intentional, I just wasn't able to overcome or suppress my feelings. What made all of this the worst was the fact that I didn't know what was wrong with me. I mean, look at my life. I seem to have everything anyone could ever want to make them happy. I have a beautiful wife, an amazing little girl, another baby girl on the way, a great family, a cute little house, a good job, a couple of killer bikes, I've got some great friends, a great new race team with some exciting new sponsorships...in my world I seem to have most everything I could want to find happiness. But it wasn't there. I spent more time than I care to think of wondering what have I done wrong to deserve to feel like this. I've looked at every part of my life and questioned if it was the way I wanted it to be. I thought maybe something was wrong with my marriage, maybe I wasn't cut out for my job, maybe it was the people I work with, maybe we needed more money, maybe I'm missing God, do I need to go to church...anything you can imagine ran through my head. I was plagued with this problem. My temper was going through the roof and I was having a real problem controlling my emotions. My patience, well I didn't really have them anymore. It just continued to slowly spiral down hill and I didn't have a clue as to what to do.


I spent my weekdays at work just like everyone else. But my weekdays were filled with yelling, being belittled, getting walked on, and made to feel like you couldn't adequately do your job. No matter how hard you tried or how well you did it was never good enough. Oh of course, there was the occasional praise but they were few and far between. This type of job atmosphere had pretty much been there I guess since about a year after I started. With the exception of only a few times, I pretty much just took it thinking it's part of the job. This job pays my bills and puts food on my table and I guess this is just what comes with it. There was no peace in my life. Starting around 7 a.m. by day went to hell everyday. Every morning when my two-way radio would go off my day was over because you never knew what was going to come out of the speaker. Were you going to get a "good morning" or "where the hell are you"? I could literally feel my blood pressure rise at the exact moment that phone would go off. I would spend my day walking on eggshells or trying to fly under the radar so I wouldn't fall in the line of fire. It was, to say the least, a very unhealthy work environment. A work environment that never got left at work. I would carry my frustration and anger home with me and often times in one way or another it would get taken out or project towards Amie and Addi. Taking my feelings out on them didn't solve the problem. In many cases, it made it worse because then I had to deal with the guilt of hurting their feelings for no reason.

The source of my problems at work stemmed from the General Manager. He was someone I always figured would be with the company forever. He was someone I thought I would have to learn to live with if I was going to be successful within this company. Then from out of no where some issues were brought to attention and before I knew he was out the door. Monday was our first day to not have him in the office. Monday was the first day I got to see the old Chad, the Chad that actually smiles because he is happy not because that's what people want to see or because he was supposed to. This week has been amazing for me. I have noticed within myself a change, Amie has told me she has noticed a change in me. I can't even remember the last time I felt like this. After everything I considered wrong with me and to find out this is what was wrong, seems crazy. I wasted two years of my life being unhappy because of this one person. I feel like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders, like that thumb that had me pushed into the ground was lifted. I don't know what I could compare this feeling to so that someone might better understand how I feel, but it is wonderful.