Definition

When I define myself as a person, I think of myself as these three things. Husband, Amie and I have married for almost 7 years now. Father, I have two beautiful daughters, Addi will be three years old in just a few days and Emily who just passed the six weeks mark. Cyclist, but I think of myself as more than just a cyclist, I race bikes. Apparently I have been trying my best to be my best at all three and have fallen short at all of them. I am not the person who is content with doing something 99%, it's all or nothing. I don't want to be the second best husband, father or cyclist...I want to be my best and right now that's not the case. I don't even have the words for exactly how I feel. I don't want/need anyones sympathy, I feel sorry enough for myself without anyone elses help.

For the last three years I have raced bikes. I've had some moderate success, I was by no means the best but I was competitive. That's gone. Where did it go, I don't know. I still get up crazy ass early and spend my mornings on my trainer and for the most part complete all my workouts as specified. But come race day it's just not there. I'm getting dropped by people that I could of easily kept up with last season. It is very demoralizing. I have been very fortunate this season to get some great sponsors, a brand new team and some great teammates. I had all these ideas, hopes, goals for myself and my team. Well my team is doing great, unfortunately I haven't been a part of that success. I'm not the person that will show up to a race only to fall off the back. I do have a little pride. I'm also not the person to become the washed up racer. I'll hang all my shit up before I let that happen. I don't want to ride a bike, I want to race my bike.

To be honest I really don't know what my problem is. I don't get a lot of rest, but I never have. So, I don't think that's my problem. I'm sure it has it's place in the equation but it's not the cause. I'm having a little bit of problem with my breathing. I find myself short of breath after the first few initial jumps and by the time I recover from that it's too late. Maybe I need to go harder in my warm up and get things more opened up. Maybe I need to get to the doctor and see what is going on. I have a great coach, so I know fitness and being ready for my races isn't an issue. It's something other than that.

Giving your best is all anyone can ask out of you, what I hate is that right now I'm not able to give my best. I've had a lot of crap going through my head over the last couple of weeks and maybe it's all just eating away at me.